I no longer write a weekly column about our food bank here in the footballing town of Melchester. I still attend, of course, in my capacity as all-round great guy and martyr but these days I keep my immense sacrifice to myself. However, this is a very big week for us.
We are entertaining our callers by offering them a slap up meal, which includes wine. Not only that, we are not charging them anything for the privilege. Let’s look at the menu:
- Cornish lobster and quails eggs for a starter
- Pheasant wrapped in Savoy cabbage, roasted celeriac puree and potato gratin with cheese from Suffolk, truffle sauce and winter vegetables as a main course
- Followed by an iced bombe with organic Samoan vanilla ice cream and a Balmoral plum sorbet.
Also, each guest had a setting of five different glasses. Here’s the the wine list
- Chapel Down Grand Reserve 2018,
- Puligny-Montrachet Les Nosroyes,
- Domaine Genot-Boulanger 2019,
- Chateau Lynch-Bages Pauillac 2000
- Chateau La Tour Blanche.
Not bad is it, for people who have nothing? The Chateau Lynch-Bages Pauillac 2000 costs £350 a bottle, but if it’s good enough for the upper orders, it’s good enough for anyone. As I am serving dinner and pouring out these fine wines, I shall offer thanks to the generous people who have kindly donated these items to a humble food bank. I wonder how the other half live?
Meanwhile, a couple of days ago, King Brian held what is known as “a glittering state banquet” at Buckingham Palace in honour of the Emir of Qatar who in the UK to shake hands with people, along with one of his three wives. I was shocked to see what they had to eat.
In the presence of numerous royals, including Camilla Parker-Bowles, who seems to have taken to calling herself the Queen these days, Princess Anne, as well as Sir David and Posh Becks, the Trussell Trust did us proud.
Minimum wage servants served a selection of tinned vegetables for starters (most food banks don’t have facilities to store fresh fruit and veg), followed by a choice of Corned Beef or Tinned Pilchards, with tinned potatoes, and tinned rice pudding to follow. Guests enjoyed a selection of soft drinks including Vimto and Tesco economy squash.
King Brian read a passage from the Qu’ran, saying “Whoever saves a life, it will be as if they saved all of humanity” and the Emir praised Brian for his commitment “inter-faith dialogue” and they all lived happily ever after, after a jolly chorus of Do They Know It’s Christmas?
I may have got some of the details wrong in this blog, but you get the drift. Food poverty is nearly over now with only a third of our children suffering from food insecurity thanks to the efforts of King Brian and the super rich establishment. None of the Buck House had to pay for their dinner, but that’s a small price to be paid by the lower orders who should know their place by now.
Okay, the Melchester food bank didn’t actually feed the world with lobster and fine wine, but it was the thought that counted. Next year, as Delboy once so aptly put it, we’ll be millionaires, like the occasional residents of Buckingham Palace. And, as the bible put it, we are all equal before God. It’s just that some are more equal than others.
God save the King and to hell with the lower orders. That’s what this “glittering state banquet” was all about. Doff your cap, bow and know your place. And think about all that lobster and fine wine, because that’s the nearest you will get to it.
Guests arriving at the glittering state banquet
